Not in a happy place at the moment, too much not right, the usual dark spells of sour mood and inability to do anything. Simple tasks turn into murderous mountain trails, winding through the peaks of my own making, sheer cliffs ready to claim any minor misstep.
(I whine a lot, and this is dark)
I want to remain positive, I want to make it in the world, but I’m constantly bombarded with all that is fucking wrong with this country that I can no longer see what’s right. To put it bluntly, I am unsatisfied with life.
There are many who turn with a retort stating that life is what you make of it. Perhaps it is. Perhaps I do not have the will or the strength any longer to face these challenges. Perhaps the mountains have gotten too high for me to climb. The cliff too sheer to chance.
I am so angry and despondent. The worst is that my partner feeds these spells without intending too. She, herself, I believe, suffers easily with dissapointment and insurmountable odds. Things that should be simple become monumental.
My friends, my good friends, are all no longer here; instead they romp overseas, or endevour on up country. I’ve never adjusted or addressed the betrayal of one of my closest friends, and I don’t know if I ever will, or if I ever can. Perhaps it is the same with the death of my father so many years ago; never truly addressed, never dealt with, never accepted and acted upon.
How many things have I left to resolve themselves? How often have I simply shoved my sorrows deeper within myself and just left them, to fester, to grow malignant? I’m filled with pity for myself and it disgusts me. I do not know myself, or those around me, I do not care for my work, and feel that I am in a continual downward spiral.
Can I survive? Can I overcome these obstacles that have manifested before me? Can I find that spark that used to drive my imagination? Can I overcome the trait that I have developed which allows a single dissapointment to ruin my day, crush my heart, sunder my imagination?
Once it used to be that a dissapointment was merely an oppertunity to do something different, to move the plan, to change, to compensate and continue. Now it is a deathknell, a cataclysm, a complete and utter end.
I lack spirit, faith, determination. One single wrong step and everything collapses. What utter crap. What utter fucking shit. What bollucks. What the fuck is wrong with me and why do I feel so fucking sorry for myself?